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- There are choices! Making choices: a gifted case report
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- There are choices! Making choices: a gifted case report
There are choices! Making choices: a gifted case report
- By Noks Nauta
- Published 11/13/2009
- High Ability - gifted/talented , Achievement / Vocation
This story demonstrates that Kitty has a number of irrational thoughts that obstruct her making her own choices. Irrational thoughts contain an exaggerated "must" and impose unreasonable demands on yourself or others.
For Kitty, they are the following thoughts:
Neihart (1999) noted that gifted adolescents often possess the traits of perfectionism and competitiveness (in Kitty s case, these traits were less recognizable); have a strong drive to please their parents; and experience high expectations from parents.
Miller (1979) also wrote about gifted children who feel what the parents expect, but if they follow those wishes, it negates their own feelings.
There are no precise studies of this, but in our experience highly gifted learn from an early age to show consideration for others (to an exaggerated degree).
Kitty s case: what she felt
Kitty: "I could feel myself becoming increasingly insecure with assignments that weren't clear to me. This resulted in me being confronted with myself. I really wanted to cry, but I didn't dare give in to that desire. I thought the stories told by other people were interesting, and I listened to them a lot. I did not dare say too much myself, but I did like to be outdoors for a full day, even though it was cold. I had never really done anything like that.
"When I came home, I did not really feel better. Because I still was not sure about anything, I took the job as a graduate assistant anyway. I was shown how to do the job by an unmarried woman who had been working there for thirty years!
"Only then did I realize I had made the wrong decision! I imagined me still being there thirty years from now... I would die of misery. I panicked, but pushed that feeling aside quickly. What could I do with that feeling? And besides, could I really refuse such an important research position????"
Dealing with emotions
This story clearly shows that Kitty found it very hard to deal with her emotions.
She was afraid to say what she thought and felt, because she was afraid others would then find her a boring nag.
She also did not dare cry and so she hid her sadness and feeling of being hemmed in.
In general, the four categories of basic emotions are: angry, happy, scared and sad.
Gifted people show many nuances in this range of feelings, but sometimes lose touch with their own feelings and emotions because of the situation in which they find themselves or where their thoughts lead them.
Or they start fantasizing about what others think of them or what kinds of disasters could happen. Their feelings are negative, causing them to lose their inspiration, willpower and passion.
In conversations with a career coach, Kitty reconnected with her feelings.
Kitty s case: A plan for the future.
Kitty's career coach (from the career adventure) proposed participating in a forestry project in Scotland. In such a completely different environment, where she would perform physical work, she might be able to figure out what was bothering her and what led her to choose a job she didn't really like.
After this conversation, Kitty ran into her cousin Caroline on the train on her way home. Caroline had always led a rather wild life. They had lost touch over the years. When they met Kitty and Caroline caught up, talking about things they remembered from the past.
Caroline said: "When I used to visit you at home, your mother said that she thought I was a bit too free and also impertinent. That 'her Kitty' was not like that at all. Later, I was talking about something, that you apparently weren't allowed to hear and then she asked me to shut my mouth. I said: 'Shut your own mouth.' Your mother really blew up at that! I have always remembered that. I believe that afterwards I was no longer welcome at your house."
This story shocked Kitty. She suddenly remembered that her mother always had an excuse why Caroline was no longer allowed to visit. Kitty thought Caroline was impertinent, but you could always have a good laugh with her.
Kitty realized that her mother had really ruled her life and that she had always allowed that ... She had always been so obedient...
Kitty told Caroline about her job. Caroline fully understood that Kitty didn't like her job. Kitty explained that she wanted to do something else, but did not know what she really wanted and that she had received an offer from a career coach to go to Scotland and find out what she really liked.
Caroline thought this a fantastic idea and wanted to go with her! After some deliberations, they decided to go together. Kitty was not sure if this was really a good idea as Caroline was rather dominant. Would she just do what Caroline wanted? She thought it was all rather scary and worried about how to tell her boss at work.
Eventually she decided to go with Caroline and was relieved when there were no objections at work. When she called her mother to tell her that she was going to Scotland with Caroline, her mother said: "With Caroline??? Well, if you think this is good for you, go ahead and do it. But I worry a bit..." In the background she heard her father say: "Good, she can bring me a bottle of Scotch..."
Kitty s case: Adventures in Scotland
After arriving in Findhorn, Scotland, it took Kitty a few days before she began to enjoy herself. She felt very closely connected to the group and did all kinds of things she never thought she would enjoy. Luckily, Caroline was in another group and returned home after a week.
But Kitty added another week. With six other participants, she planted trees in the Scottish Highlands together with a Scottish couple she met, John and Linda. Kitty found their ideas a little vague, but she was fascinated by the rough outdoors life. She said that for the first time in her life she felt really alive. She could feel her muscles, and her arms were covered with scratches and mosquito bites, which made her feel very proud.
She also had a "real" boyfriend. It was all very exciting!
Her parents worried about what Kitty was doing, but she just "forgot" to call them. She sent an occasional text message that she was all right.
Kitty's musical talents were greatly appreciated. In the evening there often was singing around the campfire and people were impressed with her voice. She had not brought her violin, as it was too fragile. Besides, her fingers were stiff from the rough work, so it would not have worked anyway.
She decided to stay for another month and resigned from her job as graduate assistant. Her parents were very disappointed and thought that was foolish. But Kitty really enjoyed the interesting contacts and her rough wildlife experience. However, she also realized that planting trees and becoming a forest ranger was not her final destination (her mother did not need to worry, however, she did not tell her.)
Longing to see her girlfriends, she went home for a weekend. Although her parents were still very critical of her choice (despite the beautiful pictures of Scotland, she had taken), they noticed her radiance. "We have not seen you like this for a long time!"
Kitty decided to sign on for one more month and then she would return to the Netherlands. She had no idea what she would do next, but she was fully confident that she would find something that would suit her. She now knew what real living was. And she had become much more assertive. She had also experienced how it felt to make your own choices. She would not have missed this adventure for the world!
Kitty s case: Back to work?
Kitty noticed in Scotland that she had no desire at all to work as a graduate assistant. She realized that she had taken this job mainly to please her parents.
Her brother Bob, with whom she still has a very good relationship, had wanted to become a writer, going against his parents' wishes, and had already published a couple of short stories.
Kitty now knew what she did not want, but she didn't really know what she did want. She noticed that she still had a tendency to accommodate people and do what others wanted her to do. She also saw that this did not make her happy.
She knew that she had to stay away from her parents and find her own way.
For Kitty, they are the following thoughts:
- Everybody must like me, value me, think the best of me and love me.
- I must always be concerned about others.
Neihart (1999) noted that gifted adolescents often possess the traits of perfectionism and competitiveness (in Kitty s case, these traits were less recognizable); have a strong drive to please their parents; and experience high expectations from parents.
Miller (1979) also wrote about gifted children who feel what the parents expect, but if they follow those wishes, it negates their own feelings.
There are no precise studies of this, but in our experience highly gifted learn from an early age to show consideration for others (to an exaggerated degree).
Kitty s case: what she felt
Kitty: "I could feel myself becoming increasingly insecure with assignments that weren't clear to me. This resulted in me being confronted with myself. I really wanted to cry, but I didn't dare give in to that desire. I thought the stories told by other people were interesting, and I listened to them a lot. I did not dare say too much myself, but I did like to be outdoors for a full day, even though it was cold. I had never really done anything like that.
"When I came home, I did not really feel better. Because I still was not sure about anything, I took the job as a graduate assistant anyway. I was shown how to do the job by an unmarried woman who had been working there for thirty years!
"Only then did I realize I had made the wrong decision! I imagined me still being there thirty years from now... I would die of misery. I panicked, but pushed that feeling aside quickly. What could I do with that feeling? And besides, could I really refuse such an important research position????"
Dealing with emotions
This story clearly shows that Kitty found it very hard to deal with her emotions. She was afraid to say what she thought and felt, because she was afraid others would then find her a boring nag.
She also did not dare cry and so she hid her sadness and feeling of being hemmed in.
In general, the four categories of basic emotions are: angry, happy, scared and sad.
Gifted people show many nuances in this range of feelings, but sometimes lose touch with their own feelings and emotions because of the situation in which they find themselves or where their thoughts lead them.
Or they start fantasizing about what others think of them or what kinds of disasters could happen. Their feelings are negative, causing them to lose their inspiration, willpower and passion.
In conversations with a career coach, Kitty reconnected with her feelings.
Kitty s case: A plan for the future.
Kitty's career coach (from the career adventure) proposed participating in a forestry project in Scotland. In such a completely different environment, where she would perform physical work, she might be able to figure out what was bothering her and what led her to choose a job she didn't really like.
After this conversation, Kitty ran into her cousin Caroline on the train on her way home. Caroline had always led a rather wild life. They had lost touch over the years. When they met Kitty and Caroline caught up, talking about things they remembered from the past.
Caroline said: "When I used to visit you at home, your mother said that she thought I was a bit too free and also impertinent. That 'her Kitty' was not like that at all. Later, I was talking about something, that you apparently weren't allowed to hear and then she asked me to shut my mouth. I said: 'Shut your own mouth.' Your mother really blew up at that! I have always remembered that. I believe that afterwards I was no longer welcome at your house."
This story shocked Kitty. She suddenly remembered that her mother always had an excuse why Caroline was no longer allowed to visit. Kitty thought Caroline was impertinent, but you could always have a good laugh with her.
Kitty realized that her mother had really ruled her life and that she had always allowed that ... She had always been so obedient...
Kitty told Caroline about her job. Caroline fully understood that Kitty didn't like her job. Kitty explained that she wanted to do something else, but did not know what she really wanted and that she had received an offer from a career coach to go to Scotland and find out what she really liked.
Caroline thought this a fantastic idea and wanted to go with her! After some deliberations, they decided to go together. Kitty was not sure if this was really a good idea as Caroline was rather dominant. Would she just do what Caroline wanted? She thought it was all rather scary and worried about how to tell her boss at work.
Eventually she decided to go with Caroline and was relieved when there were no objections at work. When she called her mother to tell her that she was going to Scotland with Caroline, her mother said: "With Caroline??? Well, if you think this is good for you, go ahead and do it. But I worry a bit..." In the background she heard her father say: "Good, she can bring me a bottle of Scotch..."
Kitty s case: Adventures in Scotland
After arriving in Findhorn, Scotland, it took Kitty a few days before she began to enjoy herself. She felt very closely connected to the group and did all kinds of things she never thought she would enjoy. Luckily, Caroline was in another group and returned home after a week.
But Kitty added another week. With six other participants, she planted trees in the Scottish Highlands together with a Scottish couple she met, John and Linda. Kitty found their ideas a little vague, but she was fascinated by the rough outdoors life. She said that for the first time in her life she felt really alive. She could feel her muscles, and her arms were covered with scratches and mosquito bites, which made her feel very proud.
She also had a "real" boyfriend. It was all very exciting!
Her parents worried about what Kitty was doing, but she just "forgot" to call them. She sent an occasional text message that she was all right.
Kitty's musical talents were greatly appreciated. In the evening there often was singing around the campfire and people were impressed with her voice. She had not brought her violin, as it was too fragile. Besides, her fingers were stiff from the rough work, so it would not have worked anyway.
She decided to stay for another month and resigned from her job as graduate assistant. Her parents were very disappointed and thought that was foolish. But Kitty really enjoyed the interesting contacts and her rough wildlife experience. However, she also realized that planting trees and becoming a forest ranger was not her final destination (her mother did not need to worry, however, she did not tell her.)
Longing to see her girlfriends, she went home for a weekend. Although her parents were still very critical of her choice (despite the beautiful pictures of Scotland, she had taken), they noticed her radiance. "We have not seen you like this for a long time!"
Kitty decided to sign on for one more month and then she would return to the Netherlands. She had no idea what she would do next, but she was fully confident that she would find something that would suit her. She now knew what real living was. And she had become much more assertive. She had also experienced how it felt to make your own choices. She would not have missed this adventure for the world!
Kitty s case: Back to work?
Kitty noticed in Scotland that she had no desire at all to work as a graduate assistant. She realized that she had taken this job mainly to please her parents.
Her brother Bob, with whom she still has a very good relationship, had wanted to become a writer, going against his parents' wishes, and had already published a couple of short stories.
Kitty now knew what she did not want, but she didn't really know what she did want. She noticed that she still had a tendency to accommodate people and do what others wanted her to do. She also saw that this did not make her happy.
She knew that she had to stay away from her parents and find her own way.